Thursday, October 4, 2012

Beat the Loneliness Out

Sometimes the loneliness is overwhelming. Other times, it's barely there. This flux of desperation for some sort of physical and emotional connection is human condition perhaps. It's painful when I hit the desperation high tide and I'm alone and unable to seek comfort in any way that will actually help. I know from experiences that it's more painful when it happens and I'm with people who cannot help. Or will not help. It's more painful when I'm in a relationship and I feel it. Because that tends to mean there is something wrong in the relationship.

I'm not in a relationship right now though. The loneliness isn't always there. It sneaks up on me.

It's difficult to talk about because it feels like whining with no real reason. I can't explain it when the loneliness hits me. Perhaps it's a sudden realization that loneliness even exists. Or that I am alone. Or that we all are alone. I'm struck with a malaise and I'm restless and I'm stir crazy and I sit around thinking of synonyms for what I'm feeling but not actually getting to the meat of it.

I need a change. I don't know what kind of change. I don't know if it will help.

I need someone to slap this out of me. To strike me with love and brutality in an attempt to bring me back to Earth and out of my head. I need the jolt of each contact, knocking the discontent out of me, proving that, while I may be lonely, I am not alone, and here's another punch to prove it. I need to be beaten and kissed and bitten and scratched and petted and I need to retreat and be pulled back by the hand that just bloodied my lip or bruised my rib or welted my ass and I need that to mean something.

I could find it easily enough. But I'm picky about who meets my criteria. And I'm hesitant when I find someone who's almost there. And I try to convince myself that I don't need it. I don't need the connection. I'm fine on my own.

Or I try to convince myself that I don't need the connection for the jolts. I could find somebody. Anybody. But I know I'm just kidding myself. The connection is one of the key components in curing the loneliness.

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