Monday, September 17, 2012

I Have Vivid Dreams

I was in the dark, but I heard voices surrounding me.

"No. Don't. He's not awake yet."

"He is! His breathing has become shallower."

"Shhh! You're going to wake him up."

Three voices. I moan. There's an ache in my leg. There's another in my head.

"He's awake! I told you!"

I open my eyes, slowly. I don't know the men standing around me. They sound much younger than they look. They notice that I'm looking up at them and they scatter, each hiding in ridiculous spots where I can see them.

Where am I?

"Lamps don't answer," says one man, hiding behind a lamp. I look around and see a door. I walk through it.

Outside, there is a corn field, post harvest. The stalks are all chopped and trampled. The tallest only stand halfway up my shin. There are miles of field around me. I turn back to the room, but it's not there.

Where am I?

The stalks do not answer.

I begin walking. The sun is hot on my face. I'm naked. I cover my cock with one hand to protect me from the sun. The other shields my eyes from the light. I do not know which direction to walk, so I turn back around and walk away from the sun. I take several steps before I feel the ground giving way beneath me. I'm sinking. I feel the soil  overtaking my ankles, my shins, my knees, my thighs. I start to panic once it hits my navel. My arms are trapped to my sides.

I don't remember how to get out of this

"You knew how to get out of this?"

Yes. No. I don't know why I thought that.

I look around, but see nobody with me. The dirt is up to my neck. I'm starting to choke and my feet and legs ache from the pressure of the dirt on top of them. I close my eyes, sure this is the end for me. Sinking in a cornfield with only a disembodied voice to save me. I am done for.

"Jesus, you'll be fine."

I gasp for air and break through the the surface of the water. It gets into my throat through my nose. It tastes salty as I gag on it. I cough and sputter. I know it's the ocean. I see the beach ahead of me. A small dog I know well is waiting on shore for me, barking at me. I understand her somehow. She's warning me about the wave.

It crashes over me and I can't breathe again.

I close my eyes briefly and open them to the underside of a pillow. I'm not being smothered. I can breathe. I move the pillow and see that I'm in a bed I don't know in an unfamiliar room. I see a balcony off of the room. I walk outside and I see rows and rows of demolished corn stalks. I quickly turn to go back into the room, but it's not there.

"See? You're fine." I turn to look for the voice. Again. I see you this time. I turn completely toward you. We stand about three feet apart. Neither of us reaches for the other. We just look at each other. A smile plays on your lips. I'm not sure what my face looks like. But a smile plays on your lips.

You turn and begin to walk away from me, away from the sun. I follow, the moon cool on my back. I stay three feet behind you. I'm walking in your footsteps. I'm watching your heels. I trip. I fall into you. You move and I fall to the ground. A corn stalk stabs me in the side. It pierces completely through. The tip is covered in my blood. My skin surrounds it.

In shock, I grab the stalk and try to pull it through. It won't budge from the ground where it's attached. It does not occur to me that I'm the one who needs to move.

You squat beside me. You wipe the sweat off of your forehead.

"That looks like it probably hurts," you say. You say it so nonchalantly.

Please, help.

I don't know where my voice is. I haven't found it yet. Yet, I plead for help. You take a drink from a water bottle. I grab for your arm and miss. I can feel blood in the back of my throat. I cough.

Please, help.

You straddle me. Just below my wound. You touch the stalk and cover the tip of a finger in blood. You test the quality of my blood between your thumb and index finger. You bring it to your tongue and taste it.

I cough again, blood pooling in my throat. I feel it hindering me from breathing.

You lean around the stalk and put your elbows on my chest. You rest your chin in your hands and watch my face as I struggle to breath. I sputter and cough. Blood runs out of the corner of my mouth, across my cheek, into my hair, onto the soil. I am desperate for you.


You shift and I feel your hands on my face. You wipe the blood on my cheek. It smears under your hand.

You put your fingers in my mouth. You collect some of the pooling blood in your fingers and scoop it out of my mouth. I try to suck at your fingers, but you're all business. You toss my blood into the dirt and put your fingers back into my mouth. I hungrily try to suck at them, but you fight me on it, grasping my chin hard in your other hand and holding my jaw open. You scoop out enough blood that I can breath again. I gasp. I gasp again. I gasp a third time and your fingers are back in my mouth. They are in my throat. I feel them against my tonsils. I gasp a fourth time and find that I can no longer draw breath. You are blocking it.

I try to gasp a fifth time. I start thrashing around on the ground, no longer conscious of the wound in my side. It is gone as far as I can tell. The field is gone. There is just you, with your fingers down my throat. There is just you stealing my breath. I try to buck you off of me. But I'm weak. I can't buck very hard. I see black in front of my eyes.

I can't see anything, but I feel your mouth on mine. I know it's your mouth. I recognize the taste of it. I don't attempt to breathe. I give into you. You are greedy at my mouth. Your lips ask for my lips and I give them to you. Your teeth demand my teeth. They're yours. My tongue? My gums? The roof of my mouth? My jaw? My cheeks? My cheekbones?

Jesus, yes! They're all yours. You can have them. You can have them all. Just...

Your mouth pulls away from mine.

"Just what?"

I'm sorry?

"I can have them all. Just what? What are your conditions?"

Conditions? I don't understand what you're saying. I'm repeating the word in my head. I'm trying to make it make sense to me.

"What were you going to tell me I need to do before I can have you?"

please. please. "please." i find my voice. it is tiny. i can barely hear it.


"just take them."

You never break eye contact. You sit up. You push yourself up with my chest. You stand.

"Take what?"

A wave crashes over me.

I wake up gasping

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