Wednesday, September 19, 2012


It was my first time. I don't remember what we were talking about. Probably a play. Maybe the girl you were in love with. Possibly something pop culture or academic. I remember us sitting on cushions on my dorm room floor. I remember you pouring Captain Morgan and generic cola into cups you had brought down from your room.

You didn't know it was my first time drinking. You didn't know I was drinking because you drank and I didn't want you to think I was too good for what was good enough for you. I downed the drinks you made. Over and over again. Until we had gone through most of your bottle. I'm sure you drank most of it.

I watched your hair bounce with your laughter. I watched your teeth gleam in your huge smile. I listened to you laugh and shine. I started dozing off.

You scooted around and let me rest my head on your shoulder.

"Are we still going to watch the movie?" you asked.

We were almost finished with it. We had paused it at some point so one or the other of us could use the bathroom and we never got around to finishing it. I reached for the remote and hit play while you poured us each another drink. I sipped at the tumbler, absent-mindedly pulling at your red curls and letting them go or wrapping a lock around my finger. I watched the movie, carefully sipping, my head on your shoulder, my hand in your hair. I felt you sigh and suddenly relax. Like you had been tense the entire time. Like you finally let yourself go.

The movie ended and I blurted out that I had never drank before.

You considered me thoughtfully and told me to get ready for bed. You needed to get something from your room. You told me you'd tuck me in. My eyes were droopy. You left and I changed into pajamas. I climbed up into the top bunk and waited for you. You came back into the room and turned off the light. You had me sit up and take some aspirin and drink some water.

"You might feel a little rough tomorrow. Come see me if you need more aspirin."

You told me to lay down, so I did, facing you. You put your hand on my cheek and pulled my face toward yours. You kissed me. It was gentle, our lips puffing up and taking space in each other's mouths. Your tongue glanced across mine. I tasted the roof of your mouth. You kissed me for all of thirty seconds and then you were gone.

I'd been kissed by a girl. I'd been kissed by a girl I had a crush on. It would never go any further.

It was my first time.

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